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Dealing with Roommate Problems

The college roommate experience can be one of the most trying yet gratifying times in your student's college career. Your student will encounter values and concepts that they never knew existed. For many of them, this will be the first time that they have had to share their space. This sharing will require that they learn how their behaviors and actions, both positively and negatively, affect others. We encourage each student to open his or her mind to themselves and others. Communication is the key in the formation of any strong relationship. To increase the likelihood of forming a strong relationship, roommates should engage in a conversation. Some students develop contracts for their relationship. Below are some of the questions and topics you might want to discuss. 

This will be a time to be flexible, set limits, hold others accountable, and to be held accountable. The college experience entails growing and changing, not staying the same. Their roommate experience can be an invaluable part of each student's college education. As with all things of worth, it will take effort, initiative, and understanding.

Learning how to establish a relationship with another is essential knowledge for any career or activity. Some things to remind your student about include:

• Talk about ideas and feelings as well as just "things."
• Be honest about your feelings, likes, and dislikes.
• Be willing to compromise, but know which issues you will not compromise on and which ones you are willing to negotiate.
• Give your roommate the respect, consideration, and understanding you expect in return.
• Set the "tone" for talking and set aside the appropriate amount of time for a complete conversation (five minutes before class is not the time for a heart-to-heart).
• Discuss roommate problems with your roommate or hall staff only and not with just anyone who happens to be walking by (you may regret it later).
• Values, feelings, and ideas change, and that's OK...don't feel betrayed if your roommate seems different after awhile.

Problems in a shared living environment are inevitable. Your student's success will be determined by how they respond to these conflicts - not on their ability to avoid conflicts (or ignore them). We define your students as adults and as such, place responsibility on them to act in a mature fashion. Our staff members are present to assist as coaches by helping to set parameters and mediate conflicts. Students should feel free to ask for assistance from these staff members at any time.

It is imperative that students address these issues themselves. Although you may be tempted to take care of the problem for them by contacting HRL staff, the roommate, or the roommate's family, this will not help your student learn to deal with similar situations in the future. In addition, if you feel you must intervene in some way, we ask that you not do so without your student's knowledge. In almost all cases, in order for a successful resolution to the situation, your student must be involved.

Sometimes, in rare cases, roommate conflicts will require the use of the judicial system. This will only be the case as a last resort and if there is adequate evidence that a University policy has been violated. Often times, far less drastic responses work successfully to resolve roommate conflicts.

Help your student work through a situation and learn critical thinking skills by asking questions. If your student needs assistance, encourage him or her to contact the RA first, and if necessary, the Residence Director. When your student calls you with a concern about a roommate, sharing the following tips with him or her may be helpful:

• Make sure you have the facts straight.
• Be gentle, but direct. The longer you wait to confront the problem the worse it will become.
• Expect some defensiveness, possibly even after the confrontation. Give your roommate an opportunity to think about what you have said.
• Don't cloud the issue by checking with everyone else on the floor before you give feedback to your roommate.
• Speak only for yourself.
• Make sure you are prepared to discuss criticism that may be aimed at you - often times roommates have concerns with each other.
• Try and separate yourself from any anger. You will get better results by remaining calm and rational and anger may just fuel the situation.
• Have a solution in mind.
• Don't assume a "victim" mentality - it is within your control to address the situation and take action. Inaction is an option but then you must accept the consequences of choosing no action.
• Commit yourself to listening. Everyone wants to be heard and only by listening to your roommate's point of view can you understand and better resolve any conflict.

Housing and Residence Life will not take action or move students until all perspectives are heard. Don't assume a staff member knows about your situation if you have not spoken with your RA about it.