Freshmen should skip class, not read assignments and pick up a drug habit

by LUKE DAMRON
guest columnist

Well, another year has begun and a new batch of freshmen has come to our fine campus.

Having been a freshman just last year I sympathize with the problems and concerns that the incoming freshmen may have. So I will give them some of the advice that I wish I had gotten when I first started.

First of all, no matter what your professor says, showing up for class is not mandatory. Go ahead and sleep in, you won't miss much. In my experience, most of the lectures are about bass fishing and midgets.

If by some chance you happen to accidentally stumble into class, don't worry, this can be turned into something positive. Since you will not be in class often, make sure to become friends with all of your classmates during class. They may come in handy for some of the later advice.

You must keep a cell phone or pager on you at all times, especially during class. Again, your professor doesn't really mean for you not to have them, they just want to know which students are easily led and which ones, like you, will succeed.

Your professor will also miss you, so be sure to talk to him throughout his or her lecture, preferably about the subjects at hand ­ bass fishing and midgets. If for some reason your professor does not seem enthused with your input, remember that it IS your tuition that pays them. Don't be afraid to remind them of that.

As far as the outside reading the professor says is "required," a hearty, written laugh is in order.

HAHAHAHA.

Anyway, take the money you have received for books and go out. The only thing that you need to be reading is a drink menu.

If you have followed my advice thus far, you will not be spending a lot of time in class, so you will need something to do outside of class. You have to establish a solid base in your activities. Therefore, you must drink a lot of alcohol.

Drink from the point that you wake up, until you pass out in whatever place you happen to fall.

Whether going out or staying in, this will make you the life of the party. From here, only the most dedicated and talented will achieve success.

To really succeed you should try to get a nasty drug habit. Your drug of choice is not important, but a good rule of thumb is: the harder, the better. Nothing will help you through college better than a good, old-fashioned heroin addiction.

Another advanced technique is to spend so many nights outside of your dorm that you forget what your room number is. Sleep in a car, a new friend's bed or even a gutter, but don't go back to the dorm. The students who aren't as dedicated as you to succeeding could be bad influences.

From this point on you will have to blaze your own path. The only remaining piece of advice that I have for you is this: Don't believe everything that you read or hear.

Luke Damron is a reporter for The Parthenon. Comments may be sent to him at mintprozac@ aol.com.