Beware 'Joe Dirt' aka Joe Crap

by RICHARD DRAKE
columnist

3 Guys Pickin' Presents: A Six Demon Bag. We here at 3 Guys Pickin' feel it's necessary to thank you for joining us here at our third ever printed article! Golly, we've had over forty television episodes, but somehow three newspaper articles seems so much more cool. I guess it's the fact that the response from you, my loyal readers, has been so much more real than our television viewers. Now donÕt get me wrong. I love my CAN-TV viewers in Chicago, but when people stop me while walking across campus to give me the good word, it just resonates within me much more than the letters and e-mails we get in Chi-town. It's just so much more personal. You guys rock!

Knowing that 3 Guys Pickin' does it's best to stay on the cutting edge of movies that are hip, we also spend most of the time reviewing movies we actually care about. We're the only top review show that has no problem reviewing movies years (months, even) after they've been released. So in lieu of giving a half-hearted attempt at reviewing the Kean-poo Reaves yawner, "Hardball," I'd like to share with you some thoughts on David Spade's "The Adventures of Joe Dirt;" or as it's now known here at 3GP forever more: "Joe Crap."

Two lines from the movie sum up what is definitely not Mr. Spade's best cinematic effort. I'll start with the one that made me not want to see the flick at all. You see, I saw the trailer for "Joe Crap" last January when I saw Guy Ritchie's second film "Snatch" (it refers to a diamond heist) in the theaters. The trailer for "Joe Crap" showed the title character spouting off about what a simple guy he was and giving the example that he likes "Van Halen, not Van Hagar." Wrong move, bucko. Sammy Hagar was the saving grace for Van Halen. Every studio album released by SammyÕs Van Halen DEBUTED at number one on the charts. Only one Dave-era album ever hit number one, and it sure as heck-fire didnÕt debut there. Pointer number one if you want people to like you movie: Don't try and act all cool by saying Sammy's Van Halen was somehow inferior to David Lee Roth's. That's just plain wrong. Sammy rules, no ifs, ands or buts.

So in the flick, Joe Crap is searching for his parents who left him at the Grand Canyon when he was eight years old. He grows up without them and is drifting around the country trying to find them. By the grace of something, he ends up living with an incredibly attractive young lady. One day, while on a walk, he says to her, "If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" Thankfully she says yes. So we glide right into pointer number two when you want people to like your movie: If you're going to quote a Bellamy Brothers song, quote it right! It's "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" not "If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" Joe Crap, indeed.

Now, if you were one of the fortunate music-loving folk to be at the Wild Dawg last Friday night, you know what I'm talking about. That's because David and Howard Bellamy and their band played a great show at the Dawg, which included the aforementioned song. I was there. In fact, the Bellamy Brothers were supposed to go on at 10 p.m. If you were there, you noticed they came on a little after that. You can thank yours truly for that. Oh, itÕs true, it's true. 3 Guys Pickin' had the only interview in Huntington before the show on Friday night. I was on the tour bus with the boys fifteen minutes before they were to go on. Of course, they enjoyed the interview so much they let it run over a bit so as to be able to spend more time with me. So not only was it a great show; kickin' off with their classic song, "Old Hippie," but I also got the opportunity to pick their brains on a few of the pressing issues in the entertainment world. For example, Howard predicted that the Kansas City Chiefs will actually win the Super Bowl this year (as long as they play the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the big show.)

Fortunately, they were also able to put to rest the vicious rumor that former MTV personality Bill Bellamy was going to join the Brothers on tour. Thankfully, he's not joining them; theyÕre not even related to him and they donÕt even know him. All those answers helped me rest peacefully that night.

I give them credit, they put on a great show. They came on at 10:15 p.m. and played straight through until 11:40. No breaks, no dead air, just song after song. The great hits of the twenty-five years on the road like "Let Your Love Flow," "Do You Love as Good as You Look?" and "Redneck Girl" were mixed together with new songs like "I'm Getting So Tired of Getting Beat Up." After exiting stage right at 11:40, they came back for a ten-minute, two-song encore, followed by another encore which ended at 11:57. Great show. They give their fans their all. Nearly two hours of continuous music. You don't find that too often anymore. The next time the Bellamy Brothers are in H-town, see them.

And don't see "The Adventures of Joe Crap." Ever.

Richard Drake wants you to attend Beginner Hockey Night Mondays at 7 p.m. at the Tri-State Ice Arena in Huntington. He'll sign autographs for you too, just don't be pushy. Drake can be reached at parthenon@ marshall.edu.